I know I haven't updated in a long time but really I've been kind of enjoying life with as little of a documentation as I can get away with. Things are up, things are down, and I just kind of deal with it as it comes. Some things are shit and others are wonderful, but that's okay. I'm trying my hardest to deal with it as best as I can, although I do admit that I have my breakdowns.
My family dips in and out of a lack of money, so right now I haven't had my medicine in about a week. I'm not feeling so great and I keep thinking about Sean. I've found someone else I like, but sadly he reminds me a lot of Sean...just without some of the parts that make me hang my head. Sadly, that's the way things were with Sean at first, too, so I'm a little afraid of doing anything about it. Being around said person makes me nervous and depressed, which is a stupid way to feel around a crush. I'll figure this all out somehow, though. I think I will, anyway. I hope I will.
I'm really enjoying being out of high school, although school is still school. I've actually managed to make some new friends, which is different for me. I'm not good with people, so I don't often end up interacting with people. Those people that I do get to know I meet through others. I suppose it kind of worked that way in this case, too, but not so much so. It's just the fact of being in the same place at the same time, a lot of times.
I don't know. It's nice to think that I'm not completely lacking in social skills. Maybe that necklace I bought has helped some. My grades stone hasn't, though. I'm still a lazy slacker and I'm not really doing that hot in my classes...except for Japanese and maybe English. I know I'm doing pisspoor in History class, and I'm doing all right, I think, in Psychology. I actually enjoy that class, but I haven't actually read this last chapter recently and I have a test on Monday. I'm going to have a lot of reading to do over the weekend, and I'm not so sure that I'll do it all. Damn that lazy side of me. I can be motivated, I'm just not!
I've been working a lot on my drawing. I really want to practice and improve, although I feel as of late I've been taking steps backwards instead of forwards. I still can't draw characters doing much more than standing there, and when I try they always end up looking really stupid. At least they're somewhat in proportion, though. They're better than they were when I was in junior high school, and that makes me feel happy.
Actually...I got into a fight with my mom last weekend and during it I ended up finding some pictures from either two years ago or four. I can't remember. I know it was in either Precalc or Geo that I was writing and drawing that stuff. I think it was four years ago. It was surprisingly bad, so I actually started getting a feeling that I wasn't horrible, and that although I couldn't see it happening, I was improving.
I've grown obsessed with Fullmetal Alchemist, especially the movie. My mother bought me a magazine that featured the movie and it came with a poster for it. Oh my god, I cannot wait for the Hagaren boys to be decorating the walls of my room. I just have to make room for it, first. I have a Loveless poster next to me, which I adore. The art is so pretty, and Ritsuka looks so cute. Soubi, of course, is incredibly hot. I've also gotten really into anime music videos again, since one of my friends used to download a ton of them when we were on break between classes. I've found a lot of freaking awesome music from them (like this song).
So...yeah. I suppose that's basic proof that I'm still alive, and what has been going on in my life. My mom and I were talking that soon I'm going to resize my engagement ring to fit on my middle finger and fix up the ring from my aunt so that it actually fits on my pinky finger. I can't wait! My jewelry will actually fit, my engagement ring will no longer be an engagement ring, and I'll no longer feel tied to Sean!
I still love him, but I don't think I could ever face him again. Even if I could, I don't think I could ever take him back. I want so badly to curl up in his arms, but I know better. I know I'm just going to end up hurt in the end when it comes to him, and so I can never go back.
I just wish he'd stop fucking with any and all new relationship hopes of mine.